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moving us along, people would be early or at least on time when they're going
places. But somehow, everybody's still always late. And people always say the
same thing when they finally show up after you've been waiting for them. "Oh,
sorry. Traffic."
"Really? How do you think I got here? Helicoptered in? I allow for it."
How else does technology torture us? Well, try opening up a brand-new CD. What
has happened to the packaging of CDs? These are angry, angry people, these CD
packagers. "Open here," it says. Is that sarcasm? Are they mocking me? The
plastic they use is so thick, it's like government plastic civilians can't buy this
stuff. And you can't get through it without slashing it with a knife or scissors or
something. In fact, I find you need a sharp pair of scissors to get into just about
anything these days. Have you tried to open a package of scissors lately? You need
scissors to get into scissors. And what if you're buying scissors for the first time? I
mean, how can you possibly get in there? Talk about a catch-22.
Batteries are also packaged as though the manufacturers never want you to get to
them. What could possibly happen to batteries that they need to be packaged like
that? On the other hand, take a good look at a package of lightbulbs. Thin, thin,
thin cardboard that's open on both ends. What are those packagers thinking? "Oh,
the lightbulbs? They'll be fine."
It's hard to get into anything, even toilet paper. What has happened to toilet paper
in public bathrooms? It's not even one-ply anymore, is it? It's a sheer suggestion
of toilet paper. It's an innuendo. It's like prosciutto, it's so thin. And if you're in a
public bathroom and it's a brand-new roll that hasn't gotten started yet, just try to
find the start of that toilet paper roll. First you turn it slowly. You think, surely I've
gone around once or twice by now. Then you go fast. Maybe the wind will open up
the first flap. Then you turn it the other way, thinking maybe you're going in the
wrong direction. And back to the slow again. And then you find it, and it's glued
down. So then you try to pull it apart but only a quarter of an inch separates and
the rest stays glued. So you're pulling and pulling and soon you've got a five-foot-
long quarter-of-an-inch strip. I don't want a streamer, I want toilet paper! So now
one side is fully intact and you've got a groove cut out on the other side. Then you
use your finger to try to even it out, but you never get it exactly even, so then you
finally just claw at it like a wild animal. "Jesus, I just want toilet paper!"
On the other hand, some things that don't need to be made easier are being made
easier. They're making these automated toilets that flush entirely on their own
schedule. Sometimes they just go off randomly. You're still sitting down and
suddenly it just flushes. "How dare you! I'll decide when I'm done!" And then other
times it won't go off when you want it to. You stand up and stare at the toilet.
Sometimes you have to fake it out. You sit back down & stand up! Sit down &
stand up! Then you try tiptoeing away as if you're leaving. Nothing works.
Then, when you go to wash your hands, you don't have any control of that either.
The faucet has to see your hands first so it can decide how much water it's going
to give you. It gives out only a certain amount of water. You don't know how much
you're getting, so you're like a little raccoon under there, rubbing your little paws
together. It gives you some, then it decides that's enough, and it's not. So you
have to pull out and pretend like you are a new set of hands going back in again.
Same thing happens with the dryer you don't have any control. You have to put
your hands under the vent to get the air to come out. It's all to avoid germs, which
is great, fantastic. Good for the health of the world. Then you walk over to that
disease-ridden door handle, open it up, and head to the bowl of mixed nuts you're
sharing at the bar.
Technology has done one beautiful thing for us. It's called the cell phone. There is
now not one place in the world where a cell phone is not going off. And every cell
phone now has its own little song! Good thing we got rid of those obnoxious rings,
isn't it?
When you're on a cell phone, you can't ever have a full conversation. Usually the
reception is terrible, and somehow it's only bad on your side. The person talking to
you has no idea that you have bad reception. They're rambling on and on and
you've got your finger jammed in your ear. You're shushing people on the street,
ducking behind a Dumpster, putting your head between your knees, just so you
can hear about your friend's new haircut. "What about the bangs? Are they
shorter? Are the bangs shorter? THE BANGS!!"
At least if there's static you have some clue that you may get cut off. There's
nothing worse than when you have crystal-clear reception and you've been
rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that the connection cut out
who knows how long ago. Then you get paranoid. You're scared to talk too long
ever again. Next time you're on the phone you become obsessed with checking.
"So we were going to go to the cheese shop& Hello? Okay& And we knew we were
having white wine& Still there? All right. And I thought, what kind of cheese would
go with& ? Did I lose you? Okay& And I like Muenster& "
Even if you're on a regular phone at home, you'll be interrupted somehow. You'll
be interrupted by call-waiting most likely. Call-waiting was invented as a
convenience, but let's face it it's really turned into a mini People's Choice awards.
You find out right away who wins or loses. You're having a pleasant conversation
with someone you think is a good friend, and you hear the click, and you're
confident that they're going to come back to you. Then they come back and say,
"I've got to take this other call." And you know what that means. They just said to
the other person, "Let me get rid of this other call." That's what you just became:
a call to get rid of. Then you learn to trick them the next time, when they say
they've got to check on the other call. "Hey, when you come back, remind me to
tell you something that somebody said about you! & Hello?"
Of course, you don't have to pick up call-waiting. You can get voice mail. Voice
mail will pick it up for you. My favorite voice mail is the one where you insert your
name into a robotic message, and you end up sounding more like a robot than the
robot itself. "Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
El-len is not available." Is that how I say my name? Like HAL from 2001: A Space
Odyssey? "Yeah, I'd like to make reservations for dinner tonight, there's four of us,
and the name is El-len."
Phones have gone through such an evolution. Now we have this wireless
technology that lets us talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime. Think about how far
phones have come. You'll remember there was a time when there was one phone
in the house, when cord was just being invented. There was a shortage of cord
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